Depression is such a horrible thing. It drags you down further and further, making it harder to see the light that leads you back out. Everyone around you seems to be fine and dandy, and that just makes you feel worse. Suddenly you’re questioning your very self-worth and comparing yourself to others. Even happy positive moments are tinged with negative thoughts and their brightness is diminished. Combine that with someone who finds relief in exercise and running, and is currently unable to do either, and it can lead to a recipe for disaster.
I’ve written publicly about my personal emotional struggles this year, from my ongoing recurring injuries to dealing with the slow decline of my mum to early onset dementia. I’m not ashamed to say that there were some pretty dark months, with the black dog not only nipping at my heels but gnawing big chunks out of them. I tried other methods to help me through when I was unable to run but nothing was (or is, for me) as effective of just being able to get out there and move freely. Perhaps it’s the sensation of running away, albeit for a brief period, and escaping the endless thoughts plaguing my mind. Maybe it’s the pain I feel afterwards when I’ve pushed myself hard, that enables me to feel and focus on something other than the turmoil in my mind. This weekend just gone, I went for my first successfully pain free trail run in months. I ran with a beautiful friend, on her favourite trail which I had never experienced before, and it was glorious. Sure, I’m not run fit and there was indeed a lot of walking up hills, and my legs were screaming at some points. But even that pain was enjoyable on some level, as it was pain I had indeed missed from my life. I actually shed tears twice on that run, just from the sheer beauty of my surroundings and the realisation that I was back out there, pain free and happy. I’ve missed that trail happiness oh so much, and there were times when I wasn’t entirely sure that I would ever get that happiness back again. But right now I have a few friends who are fighting their own personal battles with depression and it hurts my heart. I don’t know how to reach them and I feel helpless. I want to wrap them up in a massive hug and never let go, so they know that they’re not alone and that they have so many people around them that love them unconditionally. I would do anything I could in my power to take their pain and sadness away. But as much as I want to help them, I know that pain and that struggle only too well. I know that no one could help me by taking it away, I needed to do it myself. But as much as it felt like I pushed everyone away, those that matter most to me were there, patiently waiting until I was ready to let them back in, reminding me that they were there but giving me the space I needed at the same time. I am eternally grateful for those people in my life, and if I can be half as good a friend to my beautiful friends that are struggling that they are to me, then life will be ok. So to my amazing special courageous friends, I am here. Waiting patiently for when you need me. You are always in my thoughts and please know that if I could I would take it all away in a heartbeat. But I can’t and you and I both know that. But when you are ready, I will be there. If it means 3am in the morning and you need some ice cream, I will be there. Or 11pm at night and you need someone to yell at in order to release your frustrations, I will be there. Or you need someone to cheer you up, I can try to be funny but more importantly, I will be there. I love you for all that you are and all that you do and all that you can do, and that will never stop.
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AuthorHi, I'm Rhiannon and welcome to my blog. I'm not an elite athlete and I may never win any races, but I'm a "real" runner, juggling work, family and life to achieve my running goals. Archives
October 2020
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