Earlier this week I met with my physio Dave to work out my new training plan for UTA100 and my goals for the rest of the week. It was actually a novel experience developing a plan whilst injury-free. We’ve been working together since 2014 and I’m pretty sure this would be the first time… I don’t know what that says about me and/or my body lol I kind of feel like I shouldn’t tell people who trains me, as I’m not really the poster child of a successful plan (disclaimer: Dave’s plans and training is awesome. It’s not him, it’s me. It’s definitely me!).
Over the last few years, I have built up quite an arsenal of what NOT to do when it comes to training and racing. It seems as though I may be a bit of a slow learner in this regard, as there have been a number of repeated mistakes and errors along the way. My previous plans have contained modifications, and then when things continued to go south, we modified those modifications. He is a very patient man to continue to put up with me and help me the best way he can despite me insisting to continue with my race goals. I have learnt how not to fuel myself on long runs; how not to continue to run when I am injured; how not to ignore certain pains and niggles as they almost always turn into something else more serious and long term; how not to run out too hard in a race or not run to conditions; how not to compare myself to other people and their progress; how not to forsake other training in order to fit in more running; how not to come back too much too soon; and I think I have finally learnt to listen to my body and when to stop. See, a very big list of what NOT to do. At the beginning of 2015, I was in great shape and had just started getting back into running and enjoying longer distances. I had been going to bootcamp 3 times a week and running a few times a week also. Then my husband got a job further away from home, which meant he had to leave earlier in the morning and could no longer do kindy drop off. I was forced to stop attending my bootcamp sessions and instead picked up more running instead, thinking that since I was training for my first marathon this made sense to run more. Little did I know the damage and drama that decision would cause. I lost so much core strength, to the point I could no longer do a single sit up. I started to develop niggles and injuries all over my body, one after another. In hindsight, most of them were a result of no longer having core strength. In addition, Dave did an assessment on my current running technique and lets just say, if it were an exam I would have failed. I was given a lot of homework to do in order to try and change my technique, but the ongoing injuries got in the way as I was too busy focusing on just trying to keep my dream of a full marathon alive. I did finish that marathon, but it wasn’t pretty and I certainly wouldn’t recommend running it in the state I was in. Fast forward a few months and I fronted up to my first Coastal High 50, having not been able to run AT ALL for the last 8 weeks to try and rest some of those injuries, and having never really run on trails before. Again I finished, but again I would definitely not recommend that approach to anyone. As I have said before, CH50 2015 was the single hardest thing I’ve done in my life, including childbirth. After that I took a few months off to recover, and then started to come back slowly into the world of running and commenced doing some leg strength training as advised by Dave. This coincided with Nath being on 6wks school holidays and so I made the most of not having to do kindy drop off and started running most mornings. Yep, you guessed it, bam another injury. This time, an overuse injury. During this time was also my disastrous attempt to transition to zero drop trail shoes. Epic fail, which resulted in being the route cause of my knee pain that I battled on and off during 2016. I also started my blog at this time, so I could whinge publicly about my injuries (well that's what it seemed like at the time lol). When things first started playing up with my knee I was forced to reassess my running goals for 2016. I withdrew from a number of smaller races and decided to just focus on Coastal High 50 and Blackall 100 instead. As my knee started to settle down, I met with Dave again to have a refresher on my technique and we were both horrified to see it was as bad as it was the year before. What the f%$# happened?!? Turns out that modifying things to accommodate injuries means that I was too busy focusing on just trying to keep going that I forgot all about technique. Back to square one. A few weeks out from Coastal and I made a stupid rash decision at a smaller race and paid the price dearly for it by aggravating my knee badly. I ended up only being able to run about 6km of the 50km distance at Coastal, also not recommended. My stubbornness got the better of me here, instead of withdrawing from the race like a more sane person would, and again at Blackall where I attempted to complete 100km by just hiking as any running was currently impossible (DO NOT DO THIS. EVER. SERIOUSLY. BAD IDEA!!!) I took another few months off to recover, again. Felt eerily like de ja vu. But I was finally able to piece together all I have learnt over the last few years and put it into practice. I continued strength training and cross training; I came back slowly and didn’t push myself; I didn’t beat myself up if I had a crap run and was fine with pulling the pin early if I didn’t feel like it; I continued with my nutrition plan to make sure I was fuelling myself correctly; and I continued writing my blog to help my mental health. That’s not to say that things are perfect now and I will never make another mistake. I wish I could say this means that I will now remain injury free for the rest of my life, but we both know that’s probably not likely. When you push your body to the extremes of trying to complete ultra marathons, you’re bound to experience different and new injuries. But with all this knowledge of what not to do, hopefully I can minimise the potential of repeating previous mistakes. Which brings me back to my meeting with Dave this week. I said to him that I have another goal this year, and that is to run Coastal High uninjured. He looked at me incredulously. I explained I have run it twice now whilst injured, and as this is my training ground and some of my favourite trails, I want to see what it’s like to run it at my full potential and have no qualms at pulling out this year if I am injured when the race rolls around. He looked at me with wide eyes and a grin and said “you know I’m going to put that in writing on your plan right??”. Good, it will help keep me accountable if the time comes and I start to suffer from a serious case of FOMO. It's good that he gets me :) See, I really do learn. Eventually lol
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I had a full-blown anxiety attack at work today and it took me by surprise, as I have not had one in a very long time. I mean, I am back into running again and loving it; I’m loving my training schedule, yes I didn’t achieve my goal for my shred challenge but I certainly achieved a lot; my recent exciting news of being selected as an ambassador for Run Like A Girl; and I’ve just had a week’s break from work so I was feeling more refreshed. All of this positive stuff and yet recently I suspected that I could feel my anxiety starting to build and bubble up under the surface. Running has always been my stress relief and my anxiety buster, so what the hell was going on?!?
Turns out when a piece of your heart is broken and hurting, your usual go-to’s for relief don’t work. Even when that little piece of your heart is the piece that walks around outside your body in the form of your child. Ruby was diagnosed with anxiety at 4 and it has been a long process to equip her with the tools she needs in order to cope and manage it. She has made amazing progress and is able to articulate her feelings and emotions better than any other 5 year old I know. But she’s right in the middle of a flare up and it took us a little while to realise. Just like mummy in so many ways. It’s actually a bit scary to think of how similar we are, and exhausting to think about too as I know how much I suffer with my anxiety and trying to cope, and it breaks my heart to know she’s struggling the same way. For the last few nights, seemingly out of nowhere, she has developed an increased fear of going to sleep. She will give you a myriad of reasons why – it’s scary when it’s dark, she doesn’t like sleeping alone, she’s not tired, she doesn’t like the noises, it’s not fair that mummy and daddy get to snuggle someone, she doesn’t want to go to sleep, she can’t go to sleep and on and on. She builds herself up into a level of hysteria that only sheer exhaustion seems to finally break her and she falls asleep, way past her normal bedtime. And will often wake in the middle of the night to come in and say that she’s still scared and so the process is repeated again. Which then extends to the next day where she wakes up tired and grumpy and the cycle perpetuates itself. We have tried soothing words, we have tried tough love, and we have tried lying with her. We are all exhausted and I’m sad to say have exhibited some not so fine parenting moments the last few days. I have spent hours googling child anxiety and researching different methods and approaches. I have received well meaning advice from many friends and family. I have been stuck in my head with the should ofs, could ofs, would ofs over the last few days about what I should have done differently, why I did what I did, what can I do different next time, what happens if it plays out this way instead, what about if she says XYZ instead of ABC. I am exhausted and struggling myself, and my heart is breaking to watch my daughter struggle in just the same way. I have written at length before about the mummy guilt I carry around over “breaking” my child from within the womb, and it seems that I can add anxiety to the long list of things I have extended to her. She inherited daddy’s looks, but inside she is mummy through and through, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. It all came to a head today at work. I had the sudden realisation as to why I was feeling the way I was and the hopelessness I was feeling over our current situation. By acknowledging it and verbalising it, it seemed to open the floodgates. I ended up in the park next door bawling my eyes out. This isn’t a sympathy post, I know I will be OK and I know that Ruby will be also. Its more so just getting things out on the page so that I can hope to start processing them and being able to move forward. It’s about reaching out and saying hey I’m struggling, and hopefully breaking down the stigma that continues to exist around mental illness. If you’re struggling, tell someone. You don’t have to do this on your own and you don’t have to be silent. The more we talk about things like anxiety and depression, the more support there will be. A world that supports everyone no matter what the illness or ailment, is a world I dream of and hope to be a part of one day. It’s a world that will hopefully be a little less scary and daunting for the next generation. I may try to fight against it from time to time and work hard at developing my identity outside of being “just” Ruby’s mum, but the truth of the matter is that she is my world and my heart, and while she is not OK, then I can’t be OK. That’s my #1 job. |
AuthorHi, I'm Rhiannon and welcome to my blog. I'm not an elite athlete and I may never win any races, but I'm a "real" runner, juggling work, family and life to achieve my running goals. Archives
October 2020
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