I haven’t written anything for awhile, for a number of reasons really. I’ve still been posting pictures and sharing links, but nothing really deeply personal or from within. We’ve had a lot going on with miss Ruby that we’re still trying to work through, and that’s been occupying a large piece of real estate in my brain – as I mentioned before, it’s hard to function normally when the heart that walks outside your chest is hurt. With the rest of my brain, I have basically been sitting in a holding pattern, waiting for things to go wrong with my training.
Each time someone asks me “how’s your training going?” I immediately respond with “touch wood, but so far so good”. I feel like if I say anything really positive, I may anger the injury gods and be struck down with something else. I don’t want to jinx myself by saying this is the longest I have been without an injury (even typing that sentence I started to get heart palpitations WTF). I feel like I am missing out on the joys of the moment by not celebrating that my training is going great guns – I am in form, I am hitting all my goals, I am following my training plan to a T. I should be happy and ecstatic, instead I feel nervous and a sense of foreboding. God how depressing lol I met with my psychologist today and she asked me how I was feeling. “Exhausted” I replied, stifling a yawn. As we started to unpack what was happening in my life right now she replied “I’m not surprised!” I started to explain how I was feeling about my training and this sense that I couldn’t shake that I was just waiting for something to go wrong. She told me it is exhausting to constantly live in the future instead of the here and now (hmmmm, this sounds familiar?!?). She explained that it was my imagination that was projecting that future unknown image and causing the fear and anxiety to grow. She likened it to watching a horror movie – even if you know what is going to happen and you can anticipate the next move, you still jump when the killer jumps out on the screen don’t you? Although that is someone else’s imagination that has put together that picture, your body still has a physical reaction. And that’s what’s going on with me at the moment. My mind and imagination have generated a future image that looks and feels so real, partly because it’s based on past experiences, that my body is having an emotional reaction to this imagination and creating these feelings. Which is doing wonders for my anxiety by the way! Have I mentioned before how much I love my psych??? I always come away from a session with her feeling much more relaxed and grounded and feeling like I am able to step back into the world again. So, next time someone asks me how’s my training going, I will (try to) answer honestly and excitedly, by celebrating where I am right now. In this moment here, not in my fantasy future where any number of things could go wrong :) P.S 74 sleeps until UTA100 woohoo! Wait, is that living in the future also to be counting down from so far out? Damn, must remember to ask her in our next session lol
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AuthorHi, I'm Rhiannon and welcome to my blog. I'm not an elite athlete and I may never win any races, but I'm a "real" runner, juggling work, family and life to achieve my running goals. Archives
October 2020
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REAL GIRL RUNNER | My Blog |