It’s been a long few months.
After everything that happened at UTA and the aftermath, I haven’t set foot on a trail since. I’ve been in a bit of a dark hole. I would tell myself that I’m recovering from the big race, that I’m training for a road half marathon, that I’m focusing on Ruby right now. I would pretend that everything was fine, and these were my choices. But in reality, I was avoiding the trails as I was scared to go back in case so much had changed that they no longer felt like they used to. The longer it went on, the worse my fear became. I started to have heart palpitations at the mere thought of going for a trail run. I would find any excuse to avoid them. What the fuck is her issue you might be thinking, it’s just a run. I don’t blame you for not understanding, my husband doesn’t get it either and I barely get it myself. I can’t explain in words why or how this happened, but the fear inside me is real. And crippling. A friend of mine has never run on trails and has always said to me that she would love me to take her out one day. We’ve been saying this to each other for years – kind of like when you see an old friend and you both say “oh we must meet for coffee soon” knowing that it’s not likely to happen, and that you’ll utter the same sentence to each other in 6 months time when you run into each other again. So we were chatting Friday night and she said the same thing again, and I answered with my stock standard “for sure, sounds great” knowing I was safe with my response because nothing would eventuate from it. I sent her a text yesterday saying that my husband would be home after lunch if she was free to go Sunday arvo, assuming she would say no as she has 3 kids and runs an international company, but I had fulfilled my end of half heartedly trying to arrange something. . She wrote back 3 minutes later saying “Yep! Let’s do it x”. Fuck. Instantly my heart started pounding and my stomach dropped so low it nearly fell out of me. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go dammit! I started getting teary and practising deep breaths, while my husband looked at me like I was from another planet. This morning I threw myself into housework so I could try and switch off my mind, doing anything I could to distract myself. As the day wore on, I started to feel a knot in my stomach, and it was tightening as I got dressed. My husband said to me “remember this is fun”. Yeah right. I can assure you, right now this is anything but fun! I got to her street 10 minutes early, so I pulled over to wait. I ended up having a full blown panic attack in the car. Think yelling, screaming, crying, shaking. No wonder I got strange looks from the family walking past me – would you be able to keep a straight face witnessing a grown woman yelling to herself “just put your bloody hands on the fucking steering wheel already!” I typed and retyped a message to my friend about 15 times to cancel, but the only thing that stopped me sending it was her last message – “OK I’m set and still excited! All good signs”. I had to push past my own fears and focus on my friend, who is trusting me to take her out on a trail run without killing her or getting her lost. I can do this, deep breaths, compartmentalise my feelings and deal with them later. I drove up to her house, and she came bouncing out full of excitement. Meanwhile I was a basket of nerves, but fake it till you make it right? Thankfully she knows me and knew already the background to how I was feeling. I kept telling myself you’re ok, you can walk if you need to, she’s your friend and she won’t laugh if you cry, you can turn around if it gets too much, you can do this, your friend needs you (OK the last one might be a bit dramatic but I say what I need to say lol). I chose one of my favourite tracks, as I have never had a bad run out there and it holds many happy solo memories for me. It is a pretty little loop with some flat open trail to begin followed by some winding single trails. As we started out, I was talking a hundred miles a minute, hoping that my voice would drown out the swirling emotions inside me and hide how I was feeling. I’m sure she was thinking OMFG will you just shut up already, but she responded with the appropriate responses lol As we got further along, step by step, I felt my body start to relax. My chatter started to slow down and I was beginning to really feel the run. The smell of the earth, the colours of the bush, the sounds of the birds, the feeling of air rushing into my lungs and my legs moving along. The longer we ran, the more at peace I felt. A spring came into my step, my movements becoming more fluid. I was running along with my hands stretched out, feeling the bushes brush through my fingers, the sunlight flitting in between the trees. I was home. We finished our run (way too soon waaaaaah!) and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. My friend was beaming too. On the drive home we were chatting away and she said everything happens for a reason. Now, I have always lived my life by that philosophy, even when I couldn’t understand the reason at the time. But to hear someone else say it made it all the more real. She explained that she had been wanting and planning to do this for years, but the one time things actually aligned was the exact time I needed something (or someone) to kick me up the arse and get back out there. They say it’s like pulling off a bandaid. Well not only did I rip that fucker off, but I metaphorically poured Dettol on the wound and gritted my teeth until it stopped burning. No more mental infection for me!!! I don’t think I’m ready to say I’m back baby, but I am already planning my next trail run so that’s a definite positive sign right?
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AuthorHi, I'm Rhiannon and welcome to my blog. I'm not an elite athlete and I may never win any races, but I'm a "real" runner, juggling work, family and life to achieve my running goals. Archives
October 2020
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