I’ve always loved that song by Semisonic, even more so when I found out that it was actually about the singer’s newborn child and he wrote it that way to avoid the usual sappy songs about kids. Genius.
I screwed up, I made a mistake, I did something really wrong. I made the most epic of monumental fuck ups but even I couldn’t predict the knock on effects that would occur from my mistake. This process has been a massive reality check for me, and has had me questioning my very core belief system of what I thought I knew and trusted about myself and my life, and revealed my unhealthy levels of co-dependencies on so many things and levels. Have you ever made a decision that you thought was the right one, only to see it start to unfold and think well fuck that’s not how it was supposed to go down? Kind of like you see a small section of quick sand and think to yourself “I should probably go around it but surely I can just run across as it’s not that wide”. So you head across, confident in your decision and then half way across you feel the first tugs of the sand on your feet. You’re still confident that you’ll get across, after all how harmless could quick sand really be? Then suddenly you can’t see your feet anymore and you’re thinking shit what happened there? Then your knees are covered and you start to panic. How are you going to get out, why did I think I could run across it, I would sell my left arm AND my left leg if someone could turn back time and I could make the right decision instead. Then slowly you admit defeat and resign yourself to certain death and hope it comes as quick and painless as possible. Somehow, you manage to escape, maybe there’s a trapdoor underneath, and you’re finally free. But now you’re scared of all beaches because there’s sand there… dammit, I think I’ve lost the analogy. If I could go back in time and correct my mistake, I would do so a thousand times. Nothing in this world would make me happier right now. But until time travel is really a thing, that’s not an option. And so I need to work at forgiving myself and try to move on, accepting my new reality. I’ve always been a big believer in that everything happens for a reason, and throughout my life there have been times where that belief has been severely tested. When somebody dies, you question why the hell did that happen? What higher purpose would exist to remove them from your life??? I was 16 when my sister passed away and I was ready to kill the world and anyone who even looked at me the wrong way as I was trying to process how she could die. Slowly but surely though, I discovered the answers for me when my heart was ready to hear it. Each person is different and to each their own, but as hard as it is right now, I still stand by that belief and trust that the answers will be there for me when my heart is ready to hear it. Tough conversations are ahead, with my coach, with my husband, with my heart. I guess I better add my psychologist to that list too lol
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AuthorHi, I'm Rhiannon and welcome to my blog. I'm not an elite athlete and I may never win any races, but I'm a "real" runner, juggling work, family and life to achieve my running goals. Archives
October 2020
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